Freddy Krueger

MOVIES 8

INVULNRABILITY   7
You could cover him in bees and dunk him in boiling lead for all the good it would do, kicking this guy's ass won't work unless you pull him out of his world and into our's. If you manage to do that then Macauley Culkin's Home Alone traps could kill him... A mixed bag.

WEAKNESS   8
Apparently if you're not scared of him, you take his power away and he can't kill you. It's all very well saying that but this guy has fucking knives for fingers. I'm scared of spiders for fucksake, so a guy with a glove of giant metal talons and a face that looks like it's made of month old pepperoni would make me want to scream louder than an eighties ghetto blaster on a street corner.

STRENGTH   7
Super strong in the world of dreams, pretty strong in our world as well. You couldn't take him at arm wrestling (because he's a dirty cheating bastard) but he couldn't knock your head of your shoulders a la Jason Voorhees either. Although I wouldn't quote me on that if a fist fight ever erupted and you were on opposing sides.

BRUTALITY   9
If he's not shoving heads through televisions, playing puppetteer with your veins or shooting you up with giant syringes then he's happily frolliking around in your innermost thoughts... And brutally fucking everything up in the most horrific manner possible. One word...Nasty (But in a sadistically delightful way).

INGENUITY   9
As ingenious as the De Lorien from Back to the Future but not nearly as much fun, this guy just loves to think up new ways to kill you. And for someone who carries his own knife-glove he very rarely gets to use them in the later films, opting for more extreme, and often silly ways, of killing.

SPEED   7
A mixed bag again. In his own twisted world he's as fast as a thought on the wind but in ours he's no faster than you or I. Well, no faster than you anyway. I'm an unfit smoker with a penchent for a wee drink (twelve or so pints), so he could probably outwalk my run on his worst days.

OVERALL TOTAL    47/60

FEAR THEATRE TRUMPS NO.2 MICHAEL MYERS

Michael Myers

MOVIES 9

INVULNRABILITY 8
As tough as a big box of Charles Bronson's and twice as ugly, this big bastard has been shot, stabbed and beaten more time than Rasputin and he just...won't...fucking...DIE!

WEAKNESS 8
You could appeal to his softer side if you're a close family member but according to the movies that only buys you a little bit of time before the stabbing starts again in earnest. The trick here is to outlast him until the cavalry comes in the shape of an old psychologist with a shitty little handgun and a pervert's overcoat or an attractive teen babysitter who runs about and screams a lot.

STRENGTH 7
Not as strong as some of the other slasher killers but still powerful enough to kick your testicles up through your brain and out your eye holes. This guy's taken down a complete police station, hospital wing and a truck load of gun-toting rednecks all on his lonesome. He can't really touch good ol' Jason Voorhees on the overall body count but when he blows his top he does it in style and safety in numbers won't save your ass.

BRUTALITY 9
One nasty mother this one. He tends to be a bit slower at the old 'stab stab' than your average stalk and slash maniac and quite happily bides his time before wiping out whole families in as cruel a manner as possible. For God's sake don't get your tits out either, its like a red rag to a bull... A big bull wearing a creepy mask and brandishing a huge knife. Damn, I've gone and scared myself again.

INGENUITY 6
Pretty awesome, with all manner of sharp implements and absolutely no medical training. If it's lying around this guy will stick it in you, period. Shit with guns though, rather than just shoot the fucking things he'll put them in you too. I think there's issues there somewhere but I'm too bloody tired to get into that just now.

SPEED 6
Again, not as fast as some slashers I've seen. He's more of the sneaky type and prefers to stare at you from across the street or through a window, like a common pervert. He still usually pops up randomly when you get to your destination though and quickly 'puts one in you'. The dirty sneaky bastard.
OVERALL SCORE 44/60

FEAR THEATRE HORROR TRUMPS

Sometimes in our lives we just have to take a step back and think about the really important things, and no, I'm not talking about family and friends, happiness or a long healthy life.

I'm talking about the really important shit, like who would win in a straight-up fist fight between Michael Myers and Jason Vorhees? Or what would happen if the crazy and seemingly unkillable stalker from Graduation Day bumped into the twisted he/she from Unhinged on a dark and stormy night? Or who would prevail if the haunted mirror from The Bogeyman was smashed in the sitting room of the Amityville House? Holy shit, does that even make sense?

Holy shit am I making any sense?

So I started swatting, studying, reading and writing and after a whole fifteen minutes of brain busting activity I finally came up with FEAR THEATRE TRUMPS.

One will be added every week and all you have to do is compare the stats for each bad motherfucker and Bob's your auntie, no more wondering who is the toughest in the world of the Slasher Killers. Now let me take you by the hand and skip you merrily down the road of cold hard facts.

First off is one of the ultimate slasher murderers of all time. It's the hockey masked daddy himself, Mr Jason Voorhees!

Jason Voorhees

MOVIES   11

Friday the 13th 2-10, Freddy VS Jason, Friday 13th Remake

INVULNERABILITY 9
He's been hung, stabbed, punched, dragged, frozen, drugged, drowned, shot by futuristic weaponry and blown into the vacuum of space and he's still ticking. This guy just doesnt take a telling. No means No Jason!

WEAKNESS 7
As with most other slasher killers of the same pedigree, our near-invulnerable friend seems to be highly allergic to small pretty ladies. When one of them is around after he's topped everyone else he always comes out in a nasty case of 'death'. He also has a strong aversion to 'Corey Feldmans'. They too can kill him when all other wordly weapons have failed.

STRENGTH 8
This guy eats bullets and shits nails (I've not actually seen this myself but have it on good authority from my friend Dave), then he picks up a handful of the stinky shit-nails and rams them in your stupid face. I've seen him punch a professional boxer's head clean off his shoulders, walk through doors like they're made of plywood, mash someone's face into solid steel and literally snap a big cop in half. He can also open any jar in under three seconds flat (probably by ramming it in your stupid face).

BRUTALITY 7
What, you mean ramming shit-nails into stupid faces isn't brutal enough for you?? Man, you are one sick little bastard!

The only reason his brutality isn't off the scales here is because most of the idiots in his movies deserve what's coming to them anyway and the fact that he's almost super-strong means that most of his kills are mercifully fast. Brutal, but still pretty fast.

INGENUITY 5
Seems pretty adapt at using most weapons including knives, pitchforks, fences, crossbows, medical equipment, farm equipment, car doors and, last but not least, his huge bare hands. Always ends up with the good old trusty machete though, he's just a stickler for the classics this one!

SPEED 8
The one rule of thumb that applies to this guy is that no matter how fast you run, he'll still fucking catch you. There's no point turning to see where he is because you can damned well be sure that he's going to pop up in front of you at some point like some kind of twisted jack-in-the-box. Funnily enough, he appears to be a damn sight slower in close combat... Just remember, he'll still get you eventually though!

OVERALL SCORE 44/60