Surviving Evil F.T. Movie Review

Surviving Evil  5/10
Billy Zane, Natalie Mendoza, Christina Cole

Billy Zane plays a 'Bear Grylls' type character, whose team are stalked through a Philippines jungle by shape shifting, flesh eating monsters, while shooting an episode of his hit survival show. If Bear Grylls was ever up against this kind of shit on his little 'adventures' then I would definitely watch his programmes. He may have had a tube up his arse on a raft once but he never fought off a pack of vicious, blood drinking, hideous looking bastards that can fly and leap to the tops of huge trees like ugly as shit, deranged supermen. Give me the home made colonic any day.

Really though, give me it. I want it.

TERROR  1/5

The new L'Oreal advert was a bit shit.

If you lived in a tiny village, in a forest, in the Philippines, (without clothes) then you would probably be scared shitless watching this movie. Then again, if you ticked 'yes' to all of the above then you won't have seen this movie anyway because you likely don't have access to a DVD player or a LoveFilm account. If however, like me, you ticked 'no' to all of the above (maybe apart from the 'without clothes' bit) then you have nothing to worry about. You're safe tucked up in your nice, warm home. It's like being scared of JAWS when you're never at sea or being afraid of the car in Christine when you live six stories up in a block of flats. Just stop being a whiny frightened little bitch will you? Thanks.

GORE   3/5

I added an extra point here just for the dead mutated baby that falls from the tree. I mean come on, that shit isn't mainstream and if it is, you're watching the wrong fucking movies buddy. Apart from that, there's plenty of blood and a few blink and you'll miss them shots of monsters gobbling folks up while they bitch about it as loudly as possible. Three points out of five isn't bad but let's face it, it's just like getting 'good but could do better' on your school report card. That's right, it's just a polite way of saying  that you're totally shit. Take away that dead, mutated, and blood soaked tree baby and you're only left with two out of five, which is like Little House on the Prairie.

NUDITY   1/5

A few semi-naked tribes people at the start so if that's your bag, then bazinga! Apart from that, all we have is some chicks in bikinis which I can get from watching television before the watershed.

Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!!

PLOT/CHARACTERS   3/5

Actually not too bad. Okay, the acting isn't up to much but I have seen far, far worse for a low budget film. Considering Billy Zane is the main selling point of this horror it was up against it from the start. The character development is decent enough throughout, not too rushed and they don't just run away, flailing arms and screaming, when they are attacked by a pack of ugly-as-fuck monsters. They actually tool up with knives and pointy sticks n' shit and fight back. Albeit briefly, but they do give it a go which is always worth an extra point in my book. Without that extra point it's only two out of five though, and that's just little House on the Prairie all over again.

I fucking hate Little House on the Prairie.

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0804539/